to her brothers
There was a time that she didn’t know who she was. There was a time it was more threatening to explore who she was then to go about her days dazed and confused. For its horribly awkward phase, at that time she believed there was not much of her to celebrate, rather she could count on herself to neglect, reject and forget.
Reflecting on her life up until now, all of its triumphs and sorrows, the falling deep into darkness, and rising sky high into sunshine. The dancing memories of childhood, extended family fun, moments of giddy laughter and happy cottage country trips. Recall of her family showing up for church following the unwavering angry spell from the night before, later she was secretly hung over putting on her Christian glow. Healthy intentions her family had yet a backbone built with missing peace, frustration and anxiety. Deliberate suffering when food entered her mouth no matter how much she loved to taste; a quiet ugly ritual and a piercing look she gave herself with no smile to be shared with her spirit.
A quiet introvert she was, yet loud in her heart, a desire for more meaning, and more substance to the connections she had with others. She had had enough of her unloved essence, and the unbound goddess within her was awakening. When she gave in to her call, not knowing how she did, but thankful, as the landscape of her life became irrigated. She said an unspoken goodbye to some as she was led to a tribe of gone mostly unnoticed but self led boys.
It was her new found brothers and the hand picked forest hideaways that provoked the acceptance and authority she had to herself, generating beautiful roots in who she was, who she wanted to be, who she absolutely could be. The picnic table in all seasons was the refuge for those who were circling their personal map; treasure was here for everyone even on the days the winter chill had them by their bones. Indulgence in different forms were shared, she did savor despite the consequence when arriving home. Nights spent outdoors or in her brothers basements; music, jam sessions, stories, jokes, wall art, and creatively wild when sober was lost.
She experienced a peace of stillness in her mind, in how she perceived the world, and in the look she gave herself; a smile could finally be genuinely shared with her spirit.
A flame grew fierce for the drummer, and there they were captivated by a different unity they both hadn’t quite experienced yet. She picked herself up from all the falls she never knew how to pick herself up from, and began to notice she remained on the ground more, meaning less scrapes and bruises, less shame and more respect for the times she still managed to bury herself alive.
She began to make decisions that were for her, trusting it wasn’t for escape from something dark, unattached to the expectations or judgements of others, but for the pure play in the magic of her youth, and the unconditional friendship with her brothers.
You know who you are xo